The Muses were the goddesses of human inspirations. The Fates were Atropos, Clotho and Lachesis, who were in charge of watching over fate.
So you wait all your life for somebody to come along: someone with those eyes, those lips and the personality to match. Obvously, on the way to this reunion you've made plenty of stupid mistakes, settled and resettled on numerous occassions so that just as you're gripped in that singularly most momentous passionate embrace you can't breathe for the sheer joy that you are experiencing.
What's meant to happen after that is clear... evidently he (or she) wants you too, the last twenty minutes have proven that if nothing else, but then nothing is ever that easy is it?

A month ago I wrote in my journal "Last night I fell in love with Joe all over again". I hadn't seen him for weeks. Months. No, that's an exaggeration, but it felt like a long time, and suddenly everything seemed to be falling back on track. Then that night happened. That wonderful night where for a single spectacular moment I thought that everything was indeed going to work out. Then... I was altogether too drunk to remember just how it happened, but the only words that I recall are "I don't think that this is a good idea". I remember his eyes as he said it. I remember wondering what would happen if I kissed him again, if he'd be able to deny that it was the best idea anyone had come up with in a long time.

People need you to just do things like that sometimes. Just like that, without any warning.

Then he went away again, vanished from our social circle like those last three weeks had never happened. Went off on holiday with some other people while I was left to wake up the next morning and cry at my own misery and then stumble from one foolish mistake to another in an attempt to seek comfort. It's easy to use people. In all honesty, I think that sometimes people want to be used. To feel as though they're doing something a bit trashy, a bit dangerous. At my exhibition he told a friend of mine that we were having casual sex. It's not true. I wish it were. I wonder if he realises how easily he could have me. That's awful, isn't it? I mean, considering the state of things now, it's really quite apalling that I would give anything to wrap my arms around him again. He's the best kisser that I have yet come across.

The next day I woke up and cried until I fell asleep again, then I went out to my colleges' Leavers' Ball and picked up some guy. A distant friend I never see much of. I would have slept with him, I nearly did. Then I started what has now become a relationship with one of my closer friends... I tried to end it when I saw myself wavering, returning to my old ways, it was the best thing to do, but he fought for me, he texted me and cornered me at every opportunity until I gave in. No one has ever wanted me that much. Now one has ever wanted me much at all, I'm the one night girl. The one you'll kiss and pull to you because you're drunk. When it all began we would fall asleep in each other's arms, and wake up together, and one night I slept at a friend's house and actually missed the sensation of being held, couldn't sleep for ages... But I'm a bad person. I would turn away from the one good thing that's happened to me in a long time if desire bade me to do so. His kisses are polite, comfortable. He lacks the passion that I crave and even though I don't want to, I hesitate to emphasise our couple status when in public, I shirk away from kissing him, I look for other opportunities and search Joe's eyes for the slightest hint of a chance.

He's back now, of course. Briefly. Not briefly enough for me not to feel the need to contact him, to see if there might be something there after all. Sometimes I think there is.

Know there is.

But never anything definate. How can it be that you can look for something all your life only to find it elsewhere, in a different form. Is it always like this? Surely we can't simply be expected to settle for tenderness and loyalty when what we crave is passion and desire. In the long run, the first is a wiser choice, but I'm not in the long run, I'm here, in this moment, and although I'm no longer alone, I sometimes wonder what would happen if I were.

Comments
on Aug 05, 2005
You sound like a total bitch. Running around using everyone else and being completely disingeneous to your current, just because you feel bad. Maybe if this Joe fella is such a great guy, its just as well he exited stage left because as you said you're a bad girl and when something else comes along you'd just stiff him.

Maybe he just saw you for what you really are..... a coward.

If nothing else and least he didn;t use you the way seem to so flippantly use others.
What you're experiencing is called Karma. Lifes a bitch when you're a bitch aey?
on Aug 05, 2005
I don't flippantly use others... when I realised that I didn't feel as strongly for him as he did for me I tried to call it off and he wouldn't let me, hassled me for weeks until I decided to give it a go, test myself. We've only been together for two weeks, and I'm still wary enough to know that I can make a mistake and should keep an eye out for that.
on Aug 05, 2005
Oh i see so its his fault. You already know how you feel:

hesitate to emphasise our couple status when in public, I shirk away from kissing him, I look for other opportunities and search Joe's eyes for the slightest hint of a chance.


So your playing games. Heres a guy who thinks you're swell, you're obviously not interested but you'll play along with until such time as you get bored at which time you'll ditch him. No doubt telling him that its all his fault for liking you in the first place. Thats flippantly using others in my book. Its all about you.

But you dont need to take my word for it. Send your current fella a link to your blog so he can read all about it. If hes still interested then all power to him. If not you'll know that you've been saying one thing and doing another.
on Aug 06, 2005
Good friends dont always talk nice to ya. Which is what I appreciate bout Bigrickstallion in addition the nickname.

Somehow I can identify with TCKs feelings. U want somebody experienced enough in more controversial parts of life to be passionate, yet serious enough not to play u. Hope u find that one day, think u could. Its just that u get drawn into some eye of a twister in life u cant just escape by entering an emotional substitute supermarket solely ratio based and have ur heart do the right thing fast instead.

And for my heart, soothing pain by at least distracting urself did work. Sometimes good temp results turn better than expected. Most of the time, good things started when I was relaxed and not expecting, but how to relax? Work, travel, other love experiment, all works. If it werent for ur heart slowing u down. Need that heart though. Sex is easier to find after 3 bad tries.

Using others is ok, because human plus sometimes u help them too, learning or enjoying even when it comes with side effects